A Change of Heart

“Perhaps happiness is always to be found in the journey uphill.” 

~Jordan B. Peterson 

Here’s a nugget of information that you might not know: I struggle with indecisiveness. 

My dualistic nature leads me to near constant reexamination of my choices. 

I don’t think this is a bad thing, per se, though I know it to be extremely frustrating to those around me (and I do get on my own nerves at times.) 

The ability to view a subject from multiple angles without getting overly attached to any one point of view is something that I consider a strength. 

And it just so happens that my strength is also a weakness. 

It makes me prone to changing my mind frequently. 

To sitting on the fence. To doubting my decisions. To second guessing my stance. 

Though I’m very driven, the path I drive can be a bit curvy at times. Hello, whiplash! 

Recently, I’ve had a big change of heart in regard to where my path is going. 

I have spent the majority of my life doing what I thought I “should” do. 

I should listen to those in charge. 

I should be agreeable. 

I should get good grades in school. 

I should go to college and get a degree. 

I should get married and have a child. 

I should start a business. 

All of these things have brought tremendous joy to my life, but have required a lot of work and pain on my part. 

They’ve required that I put aside my selfish wants in order to achieve the end goal. 

They’ve required that I stay up late to study or feed the baby. 

They’ve required that I stay home instead of going out to keep the budget under control. 

They’ve required that I speak vulnerably to my spouse in order to maintain the lines of communication. 

Though I am proud of myself for having the grit to follow through on these endeavors, I can’t help but wonder where I would be if I hadn’t followed the path of “should”. 

To be fair, I never knew there was any other choice than higher education. I don’t recall my parents explicitly telling me I had to go to college- maybe I just assumed it. 

Either way, it never crossed my mind that there might be another route to happiness. 

Did I choose this life out of necessity? Did I choose it at all? 

Is this beautiful life I’ve constructed a byproduct of my subscription to the modern day narrative that women can (and should want to) have it all?

I realize I’m getting dangerously close to saying that I don’t appreciate my life, which is completely untrue. 

In fact, I willingly pour myself into this life that I have been blessed with every day. 

I wake up in prayer asking for patience, grace, and love to give to those around me. 

I go to bed with gratitude for all that I have been given.

BUT…

There remains in me a question of where I might be if I had challenged the status quo and instead forged my own path. 

A few months ago Jason was offered a new job that would allow him to become the primary caretaker of Wally during the week. 

This opportunity felt like a breath of fresh air. For the first time in eight years I would finally be able to focus on my career. 

I immediately made a list of all the things I needed to purchase, the courses I wanted to take, the people I wanted to collaborate with, and the hours I planned on working. 

I was a woman on a mission to pay off her student loan debt and no one could stop me. 

We agreed it was my turn to go out into the working world. 

It was my turn to leave when it’s dark while they snuggled on the couch. 

To eat lunch at my desk and catch up on life via text.

To be the one who gets to come home to wagging tails and dinner on the table. 

It was all set up and ready to go…

And then I had a change of heart. 

I realized I should go out into the workforce. 

I should go work my butt off seeing patients 40 hours a week, plus marketing and networking. 

I should sell my skills and plan my schedule right down to the half hour. 

But is that really what I want? 

The answer is no. 

At least, not right now. 

What I want is to be present with my family. To be right in the middle of all the chaos of working from home. To use what extra time I might have for the things I'm passionate about.

Admittedly, I sometimes struggle with embracing home office life (barking dogs, big emotions, and a living room for a waiting room can be a bit off putting for even the most regulated nervous system…)

Even so, I’m not ready to give it up. 

I’m not ready to throw myself into the unknown. Into an office in a different town. Into a lifestyle that puts work first and family second. 

I’m not ready to give up all the school drop offs, parties, field trips, and extracurriculars. 

Though I should go after my student loans with gazelle intensity- I’ve decided to forge my own path. 

This path will probably end up costing me a few extra (thousand…) dollars in the long run. 

It will require that I let some people down. 

It will require that I stand firm on boundaries that I’ve set. 

But the return on this decision will be that I am able to be present in my household AND my community. 

I will be able to enjoy summer afternoons by the pool with a rambunctious boy. 

I will be able to enjoy slow morning coffee with my spouse. 

I will be able to exclusively offer my services to my community. 

Though I followed the path of should for most of my life, for the foreseeable future I have decided to follow the path of my heart instead.